


111 Ways To Kill Someone

by bubblesrbubbles



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Crack, Cursed WataP Hivemind Works, M/M, Mpreg, Plwease don't get offended this is literally a joke please got, thanks for my life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-13
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-10-27 10:11:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17764805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bubblesrbubbles/pseuds/bubblesrbubbles
Summary: It all started with morning sickness. That, and an innate desire to make sure that the implements of pain were prepared for a murder.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WataP Server I love yall](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=WataP+Server+I+love+yall).



It all started with morning sickness. That, and an innate desire to make sure that the implements of pain were prepared for a murder.

He was known as a snake, sure, so really these feelings of violence and hate were nothing out of the ordinary. But... An innate desire to kill his partner, the one who he wanted to live out the rest of his life with was starting to take hold. And by god, he would do it. Don't fucking test him.

Of course, he should have known that Yuzuru wasn't going to take it laying down. As he left the kitchen, pure rage pumping through his veins, an arm came around his body, and goosebumps formed as he felt that familiar metal rest against his skin.

"Dear," Yuzuru said calmly, in that way-too-calm way that he does. "I believe there is something amiss... Care to tell me why exactly you have that knife?"

Now, does he? Ibara gripped the knife harder, and took in a slow, deep breath. What /was/ he doing? He didn't truly want to kill... But this huge, terrible urge to inflict pain and suffering upon Yuzuru, it was nearly overwhelming. "... I don't know," He answered coyly, feeling a hand on his stomach now. Ibara slapped that hand away from him, but stayed still lest the knife come too close to his flesh and cut him.

"I see." Was the only reply, and the knife slowly left it's place to rest by Yuzuru's side. Ibara turned around, staring Yuzuru right in the eye. The night prior had been rough, to say the least, so maybe.... He wasn't feeling well from it? Or maybe... No, that was just a rumor.

He had heard Nagisa talking about it earlier in the week. The rumor of reproduction through touch. Maybe there was a reason to the madness of not being able to touch the opposite sex in middle school, but... With other men? He was very confused as these feelings of his, it had been a big enough of a hurdle to cope with his desires for Yuzuru, but.... 

Good god, it was making his head hurt. Yuzuru simply stared at him, waiting for his move, and Ibara could do nothing but lean against the wall. "... Last night was a little wild, hmm?" He couldn't put any effort into his voice, all the energy being drained out of him even as he simply stood here. Yuzuru shook his head and put the knife down on the counter, motioning back to the bedroom.

"Go get some more rest... I think we're both on edge today."

~~

The rest that Ibara had gotten was plagued with nightmares.... Well, to most other people. For him, seeing all the ways that he could bring the other to an end was insanely satisfying. There was no rhyme or reason to it, but Nagisa had been there in his dream, repeating what he had learned through the news. That physical touch was a way to conceive. It was strange, it was weird, and Ibara was certain that wasn't why stabbing Yuzuru right now seemed like a great idea.

Waking up wasn't much better. Yuzuru was staring him right in the eyes, a crazed look adorning his face as he pushed a knife against the neck of a waking Ibara. A scream actually left his throat, and Yuzuru covered his mouth, narrowing his eyes. "Shh..." His eyebrow twitched. Ibara grabbed his arm, silently begging him not to do anything too rash. A blink was all it took for Yuzuru to regain his senses, and the knife was lifted. 

"... Ibara-sama..." He choked out, biting his lip and siting up on Ibara's lap. "... I..."

"It's okay..." Ibara choked out, the terror slowly being pushed away by a new force... Rage. "... I.... I want to kill you. How dare you."

Yuzuru's eyes went wide, and the knife was dropped in favor of pinning down the others arms. Tears started to form on both faces, and soon they were close together, overwhelmed with emotion they didn't quite understand.

~~

It was a secret that wasn't easy to keep in. It was apparent earliest for the absolute worst person on the entire planet, Hibiki Wataru. So when he burst through Yuzuru and Ibara's front door, both screamed and were ready to absolutely beat the shit out of him. A flick of hair and a burst of sparkles later, the whole room was decorated in blue and pink, with banners and signs and cakes and presents.... What in the hell.

Ibara's eyebrow twitched, and he reached for the butcher block. Yuzuru stopped him, grabbing his wrist and pulling him close.

"AMAZING! For my dearest friends to become bearers of life....!" Wataru cried, spinning around and pulling out two roses, a red and blue, to hand to the both of them. A red for Yuzuru, and a blue for Ibara. The front door opened soon after that, and outside stood ex fine, Tori, and some other classmates of theirs. Yuzuru's face turned pale as he saw his very own charge rush towards him, looking angry and rather upset.

"SO, this is where you've been hiding all this time?!" Tori nearly screamed, his face turning red. "I thought Hibiki was lying when he said that you and Ibara were doing weird things, but... He said you're... Pomagramtae? Progant? Pregunte? AHHH!"

Yuzuru only gave a soft smile and pet his head, shaking his head. "I'm going to kill Hibiki, don't you worry young master." His eyes shifted to Ibara, who was currently tearing up and dealing with a puzzled Nagisa.

"... You... Are saying I was right...?"

"Yes, your excellency!"

"... When did... This happen?"

"Ahah, um... Sometime!"

"What should we name it? You name these things, right?"

Ibara went quiet, biting his lip and unable to look him in the eyes. "... Ah... That.. It is not up to you, your highness..."

"What do you mean?"

"It.... Isn't yours."

Nagisa went quiet, blinking a few times and looking back at the others for confirmation. Hiyori had a look of absolute disgust on his face, and couldn't do anything but shake his head. Yuzuru let Tori's side to come over to Ibara, wrapping an arm around him and glaring at the others.

"You'd do best not to make us mad," He pointed out, brandishing a knife from seemingly nowhere. "Or else."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now, with all the pomegrantate and pregante's out of the way, they could simply relax and stare at the ceiling as they thought about their children and their future together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes it continues. Content warning, that's all I'll say

Laying in bed together, Yuzuru and Ibara simply held hands for a good while. The party had ended relatively well all things considered. Wataru had appeared out of nowhere, placing two masks on each stomach and acting like a bear after putting on a bear suit. It was just weird, but whatever, that was our very own cursed Wataru Hibiki (little did he know that his very own Discord Server was loving and supporting him all the way). Now, with all the pomegrantate and pregante's out of the way, they could simply relax and stare at the ceiling as they thought about their children and their future together. Both of them had ideas for names, but being unsure of if their beautiful little gifts were boys or girls, they had no idea how to settle on a name. After a few more minutes of this, Yuzuru looked over to see that his lover was asleep. Cracking a smile, Yuzuru pulled the blanket up over the other before turning off the lights and trying to fall asleep himself.

~

Months had passed. Seven months pregnant now, the both of them were still curbing their desires to kill, which had only ramped up in intensity. Ibara and Yuzuru frequently had to sleep in separate rooms now, even the slightest movement throwing the other into a blind rage. That night had started off like any other at that point. Ibara snuggling into bed, hugging a body pillow of the husband he wanted dead. Sleep visited, and for a while it was normal.

Then the clock struck the witching hour. Ibara's eyes opened, as if a military emergency alarm had gone off. His heart raced, blood pumped, and their first instinct was to get up and run. Throwing on a loose bathrobe, they slowly stalked their way to the door, not bothering to even shut it all the way. The trees nearby, something would surely be there. He needed it, and he needed it NOW. Stumbling through the forest would be what a normal pregnant person does, but he wasn't military trained just to be normal. No, this boy could run, and he could run fast. Moving near silently, he continued to run until he could hear scampering. Ibara came to a full stop, looking around and holding his breath. He could hear it, feet and claws scampering around, a live heart beating, his own mouth salivating. Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yES YES YES. Ibara pounced, finger nails sinking into the fur and his teeth taking a delicious bite of the one thing he craved. No one cared about rats, it would be fine, it was alright. Fresh blood, splashing over his tongue and giving him a wonderful taste of metallic bliss. Fur and flesh, almost orgasmic in the pleasure it was giving him. As soon as it started, though, it was over, and all he had to show for it was a bloody front side.

Stepping away from the stains that adorned the ground, Ibara gulped, blood still fresh in his mouth as he stared in confusion. He wanted to gag, to throw up whatever he had eaten. He wasn't honestly really sure what in the hell had just happened. Turning around, Ibara pulled the bathrobe over his large belly and started to head off in the direction of home.

~~

Yuzuru's dreams had been pleasant. Simply about playing with his little baby, a beautiful blue haired boy with bright red eyes. This child was absolutely adorable, and Yuzuru was having a blast of a time teaching the child letters and numbers. No child of his was going to be raised dumb, after all. The dream had ended when he heard someone come in the door, stumbling into the kitchen and turning on the sink. Yuzuru's heart was racing, and he had almost jumped up to attack said person when he realized who it was.

"Ibara?" Yuzuru asked, trying to calm himself by taking deep breaths. He got up and closed the door, noticing the blood on the floor. Fear coursed through his system now, and he rushed over, leaning close to Ibara and observing him. The poor red head was standing over the kitchen sink, gagging and not looking very good. The blood, thankfully, didn't seem to be coming from any sort of wound.

"Y-Yuzuru," Ibara choked out, looking up at him with fear. "I, I-I went out, and I... I don't know, something just... Took over."

"What do you mean? What happened?" Yuzuru pressed, and Ibara shook his head before getting a glass and filling it with water. Yuzuru had never seen him this... Shaken up. He hadn't ever shown this much emotion in the military.

"I think... I think I ate something. Something alive, something with... F.... Fur..." He took a drink of the glass, swishing it before spitting it out. "It... It's gross, I'm so gross, what is wrong with me? I know I'm a snake, but to go this low... E-Even for someone like me, I..."

"Shh," Yuzuru rubbed Ibara's shoulder, bringing them into a hug despite the blood getting on him. They could just wash their clothing later, after all. They stood there like that, and for the first time, Yuzuru was hugged back tighter then he had ever been in his entire life. Tears had filled his lover's eyes, and it was all Yuzuru could do to bring Ibara to the bed and lay him down. He made sure that the blood didn't stain the sheets, and made sure Ibara knew he was there for him before throwing every blood stained thing in the washing machine. After that was said and done, Yuzuru cleaned off the blood on his body, making sure to be tender and careful with his love. Finally, it ended with a fresh, warm towel, and snuggles. That night was never repeated, never spoken about, but it had solidified a bond that was not really in question to begin with.

~~

Nine months. Both parents were anxious at this point, knowing that the birthday of their sweet children could be right around the corner. Yuzuru had even had to stop cooking for the two of them, he was so anxious. It was strange, feeling something like this. There was never a time in his life that he had felt something like this until this point in time. Anxiety was something that just wasn't compatible with him.

Purple eyes glanced over to the redhead, who was sitting on the couch. It seemed like he was doing okay, which was better then Yuzuru could say for himself. There was something in the air, something that was constricting Yuzuru and making him feel like he was ready to b-

"... I-Ibara." Yuzuru sputtered, his legs turning weak as he felt a spasm in his lower back. There was something wrong, his heart was beating too fast and his back hurt like a motherfucker. "I th-think something is w-w-wrong-"

Splash.

The floor was covered in fluid, and Yuzuru knew. Oh, he knew. Ibara's eyes went wide, and he got up, coming over to Yuzuru and placing down a towel to try not to slip. "The bed, go to the bed right now, we need to deliver the b-baby."

Yuzuru couldn't protest as Ibara pushed him gently to the bed, the pressure and cramps getting worse as he laid down. Ibara got some pillows and placed it under Yuzuru's legs. He had wondered for a while how the baby would come out, so seeing a new place on his lover was incredibly amazing to say the least. It seemed like something that wasn't there before, and Ibara had explored every part of him, so he would know. As he watched Yuzuru struggle and cramp, Ibara felt his own legs go weak. Wait, what was happening? Normally he would be so aroused to see Yuzuru in so much pain, but he wasn't feeling anything like that. He was feeling the pain... The pressure, and something was starting to run down his own legs.

Spoiler alert: It wasn't Yuzuru's seed.

Ibara could only tremble as he got onto the bed, looking at Yuzuru with panic in his eyes. He wasn't trained in delivery, especially from a male. "O-Okay, Yuzuru, I think y-you need to push-"

"NO SHIT. REALLY?" Yuzuru nearly screamed, his fingers digging into the sheets as he leaned his head back and screamed in primal rage. Oh shit, oh shit that was usually very hot but right now it just scared the hell out of him. Ibara tried to remain calm as he looked, moving Yuzuru's junk out of the way so he could be ready to deliver the baby. Yuzuru let out a loud groan, still in a terrible amount of pain. God, they could really use some help right now, holy shit. Ibara was panicing, and Yuzuru was about ready to rip off his head.

".... Yes.... Night..... Fan....."

Wait.... What WAS that?"

"Rain.... Live...."

What?

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO LABORTIME!"

Ibara nearly screamed as Wataru burst into the room, right off his Ambulance-Hot-Air-Balloon. Ibara couldn't tell that the red cross was just sorta taped on, and honestly he didn't care. Wataru strutted in, rubbing his chin before putting on some gloves. "Amazing! I am here to help you two deliver the beautiful children inside you! What say you?"

"Wh-What certification do you have?!" Ibara nearly screamed, and Wataru let out a gross laugh as he pulled out a card. It simply said 'I do what I want. Love, Hibiki Wataru' Hmm. "F-Fine, just h-help!"

"Alright, lay on the bed, you." Wataru helped him onto the bed, and got Ibara set up perfectly as well. Pulling on another pair of gloves, Wataru started to examine the two, listening to Yuzuru groan and writhe in pain. Ibara seemed more calm, which was good for Yuzuru, sorta. "Alright, both of you, start pushing, I can see that you have dilated just enough."

Pushing began. Groans and screamed accompanied, especially on Yuzuru's end, but for Ibara it wasn't so bad. Really, he almost couldn't feel any pain. Had Hibiki drugged him? It didn't matter much, because soon there was a little bundle of joy on his chest. Tears ran down Ibara's face as he glanced down at his child. He had heard Wataru say 'boy', but he didn't care too much. The world had grown silent, and in that moment, all Ibara could see and hear was a beautiful, blonde haired child. His little hands, his cute little nose, and the beautiful hair had Ibara crying, in tears and holding back sobs.

Yuzuru on the other hand seemed stuck in eternal hell. Wataru was down there, pleading with the child to come and see the Amazing world on the outside. It wasn't seeming like the child had wanted to come out, even though everything was ready and Amazing! He had even turned on some good music, that good old Eccentric Party Night, and pushed it right against that entrance in hopes that it would tempt the child out. Yuzuru had begun screaming as the child seemingly bobbed it's head in unison with Wataru and the beat, and the doctor Hibiki had put on a pair of glasses before applying another set of gloves. It was around 10 hours later before the baby was fully out, still bobbing it's head to the beat of Eccentric Party Night 10 Hours Version. Wrapped in a nice blanket, Yuzuru received a light blue haired child, with fiery red eyes that stared into his very soul.

"... Sweetie," Ibara breathed out, holding his child with awe and amazement. "... I know what I want to name this child."

"I know too." Yuzuru smiled, looking at his own piece of shit child. Despite putting him though all of this... There was a name he had settled on.

"Eichi Good™"-"Chizuru"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @bubblesrbubbles - if i will be known for this so be it. hope you enjoyed this rat of a time

**Author's Note:**

> I hate myself and you should hate me too
> 
> (@bubblesrbubbles - I make legit works but if I'm known for this so be it.)


End file.
